I haz decidud dat since I iz orange & my eyeballzez are orange flamez & da lampee beehind me iz orange, dats I should try a itty bitty bit of dat Orangel lick-ore dats you see in da basket. (OOOpsie! Az you can see, I sorta sipped a itty bitty bunch of it!)
Since da momee iz not payin' too much (HIC!) attenshun to us cats lately, & 'cuz I wants to (HIC!) vizit my frendz... I am gonna puts some of dat lick-ore into a (HIC!) 'nip brew & tellyports around da bloggo-spearz.
Anyone wanna try (HIC!) some? (PS: I WILL be chexin your IDz younsterz... so don't be tryin' any fast onez on me!)
Dis waz a hard week. Da dadee called da momee while she waz away in Cally-for-knee-ah, & toldz her dat our pal Bonnie Underfoot waz still furry sick. (Wipes his eyes.)
Da momee waz horryfried.. but she waz in a place wit no comphooter axcess… & she asked da dadee to postee a note of inspeeration on Victor & Bonniez bloggie.
BUT, da dadee gotted da passwordz wrong & da momee toldz him da wrong uzer name… so I couldz not evfun leavez a commint to my frend who waz gravfully ill, to tell her I waz tinkin' abouts her.
Victor, we hopes dats you are OK. We hopes dat your fambly iz OK. We iz so sorry fur your loss & to nots to haz a typist to tell you so, waz justee terrybull. We can only hopes dat Bonnie iz purrin’ up dere on da Bridge… & mebbe she will sendz da anjello-z to wipes your tearzez away.
Den we hearz dat Gree oevfur at da Hottiez iz not feelin’ so hot… & dat da Mini iz needin’ some Valley-yum. OMG!! I yam feelin’ really scared & sorry. I tinks I will sendz out a GIANT group hug to all my frendz dat came by oevfur da weekend & leftee us hugz. SQUEEEEZE!!!! We lovez you all.
We gets to finully comez & vizit dis weekend. Da momee iz egg-sauced frum her trip tonight. Da bean Grand-maw no longer recognizez da momee here... so dis iz furry hard fur da momee to axcept.
I tinks I need to writes a po-em abouts all dis hard-shippee:
"In da midst of peril & turmoil risez da green shoots from da soil. Our livez entertwined do touch & combine to create a love so great dat none would darez to negate. If dis hardshippee dragz us down We must give love ceaselessly 'ere we drown in tearz & regret in fear & neglect. So pleaze, remeburr to hug & kiss, even though our frendz we do miss."
I haz justee heard dis: da momee iz packin' her bagz & leavfun TODAY to go vizit her sissie & her momee bean in Cally-four-knee. She can still barely funkshun, but oh boy, off she goez!! No thoughts to my bloggie or to da dadee. (He will starvz to death cuz he can only cooks taterz & tomaterz.)
& justee looks at da MESSEE on MY kitschen tabull!! What IZ all dat junk? She didz not cleanz house cuz she iz hurted.
& when are we gonna vizits all our frendz? Probabully not until a bazillyon yearz. She sez next Wednezday, I say, "PTOOEY! Dubull hairballz!"
Here iz what I did. I yam takin ackshun into my own pawz (see below pic fur plan A). (Oh, & justee LOOK at dat louzy pic! She iz reeely gettin' sloppy.):
WANTED: TYPIST & PHOTOG-FURR
If you canz types wit all ten fingerz (or paw padz... I will consider training an anymal) & are REEELYABULL & nots too broken down in da body, you may qwalifly.
I offer da followin' perks: Snorin' in bed evfurry mornin', drinkin' hot fresh roastied coffee dat da dadee here makesez, a nice gardun in da summer (y'better likes pullin' weedz!), & plenty o' cats to keeps you entertained.
Pleeze do nots expectee too much green paperz in remunerayshun... (I haz a itty bitty stash frum my cookin' job.) but we can givez you lots of nose kissez & hair ballzez. (Howevfur, don't evfun DREAM of leavfun us, or I will peez in your pursee!)
Pleeze call (PPLEEEEZE!!!): 1-800-SAV-ACAT
Well dats should takes care of most of da problum. I hopes I gets 680,00 callz. Denz we can all gets goin' & vizit.
Remeburr, I lovez you, evfun if I din't gets a chancee to vizit before da momee left.
Az evvydanced by da pic beelow, I waz doin' nuttin' but hangin' out & waitin' fur da next phone call from da Mini... when all of a sudden, I gets a blinkie message frum da Mad Burr-man.
He iz sailin' out from Burma. Becuz of da bad tie-foon, he iz transportin' certain large amounts (Umm, dat iz abouts 850 tonzez) of herbz in balez on a furry large freighter. If he leftee it in Myanapour, it would turn into milldewzez.
What I can't figurez out iz how he iz gonna gets dat ting pastee da customz offysir. Mebbe he haz da Burmeze connexshun?
While dis may seem excessive in timez of need, we cats do needz da nip... so I guesse we shouldz be tankfull to Maximillian. (But howcome he haz hiz pic on da side of da boat??? Izn't dat goin' a itty bitty bit too far?)
Why doezn't evfuury cats come oevfur & takes home a itty bitty bit? I'll see if I can gets da cafe' opened up fur awhile.
We iz egg-cited to announce da BIG pree-mare of da new pro-duck-shun.
I yam gonna offer some speshul gourmaid fare at da Itty Bitty Cafe' on Sun-day night. Den da cats dats wants to eats while dey enjoy da show haz a place to go.
Da momee & da dadee are goin' to a weddin' on Sat-turday... so we cannot watch wit our frendz. BUT... we will be dere in spirit.
Da momeez favorite gurl couzin'z daughter dat iz da same age az da momeez here boy bean (Yikes!), iz gettin' married up on top of a mountain. Dey iz hazzin' a green weddin' wit gifts made to charitee instead of to da bride & groom. Momee iz egg-cited, 'cuz she lovez her "Fernie" furry much.
So we will seez you all den... Oh Mini??? Iz dat you honey??? I haz a speshul mousie pie dats I yam gonna bake fur when you comez oevfur to watch da show.( Smoochie, kissie, kissie!)0
Uh-parently, some cats haz been caught doin' bad tingz. & it haz been recordud on cameruh by Karl & Ruis of da Cat Realm!!!!!!! Deze cats were re-her-sin da new "Missin' Mummy Caper" by Sassy Cat when dey decidud to go holy hawg wild... kinda like da beanz verzhun of "Gurlz gone wild!"
So now, in a kinda weerd wren-dish-hen of da D.C. Madam, Karl iz gonna sellz off deze black-market photoz fur da good cauze of 'Cat Frendz Helpin' Frendz.'
Karl iz gonna dough-nut-ate 100 purr-scent of all da proceedz minus da Pay-Pal feez to da cauze. I suggestee dats you go & takes a look & gets dis egg-sclusive set of pix.
Justee tink... it will be like subscribin' to da "National Cat-choirer" & I knowz dat dis iz your furry flavorite super-scooper market chex-out item!
NOW: Fur da egg-citin' part... da new show will be airrin' dis week on Satur-day & Sun-day, at Sassy'z, on May 10th & 11th... whooopee! Let's haz a pree-mare & takes some good eats frum da Itty Bitty Cafe' & haz a wild good time.
We lovez you all fur stoppin' in!!!! Da cats are sleepin' it off now.. but we'll be chexin in tommorow.
But, before we go: Knocky knocky, who iz dere? Who? Derierre! (:)
Happy Sweet Sixteen!!!!
Dr Tweety: "It iz ackshoely here! Da Auntie Stinkie turnz Sweet Sixteen to-day!!! We iz so egg-cited & dere iz lots goin' on, 'cuz we iz gonna haz a nip partee fur all our frendz.
Dere iz many birf-dayz to celly-brate, includin' Gretchen (she iz turnin' four & hazzin' a HUGE tea partee), Tiger Lilly iz two! & her itty-bitty brudder Ruckus iz one, (& dere dadee iz turnin' a sqwillion az well!) & I tink Gandalf & Grayson are turnin' four & fivez!!! Phew!
Now in honor of Auntie Stinkie, da Fab Five haz cooked up a nip partee. Da onlee probplumb iz gettin' da nip connexshun. Uh, Maximillian??? Since you haz been in Burma lately, can you helps us out on dis?"
Maximillian: "Okay Doctor, I'll try. I know this is a very special day for Auntie Stinkie. If it was for your birthday, I might have a different tact. But since the beautiful Kellie will attend, I can think of nothing better than locating the approximately 59,000 tons of catnip that I know mommy and daddy planted while I was in Burma earning kibbles."
Auntie Stinkie: " Oh this is very silly! The rest of the Fab Five have told me that for my Sweet 16, that mommy and daddy grew an inordinate amount of catnip. I decided to go outside and sniff around in the newly tilled garden to 'look' for it. You know that I am totally blind, so I am really 'sniffing' for it."
"Hmmmm, smells suspiciously like nip to me!"
Delilah: " Oh Auntie Stinkie!!! I think I found something over here by the garlic!"
"Is this it?"
"Uncle Tweety? Do you think this is the nip that mommy and daddy planted?"
Dr Tweety: " I hardlee tinks so Delilah. Dis looks more likes sage to me."
Iris: " I think I've found it! It was between the lupine and the Black Eyed Susan!!"
Delilah: "I am going to take a little rest and dream about the party and Angus Mhor wearing a top hat!"
Iris: " Look every cat! I think I finally spotted it!"
Delilah: " Oh Iris! My sweet sissie, I don't think that it is nip. I believe mommy and daddy planted it over here in the shade garden."
Auntie Stinkie: " Isn't this supposed to be my party? I can't believe these whippersnappers have misplaced the nip!"
Dr Tweety: " Iris!!! Is that it? Oh MY GAWD! Haz we reely lostee da nip fur da partee??? What iz we gonna do??? All da catz of da Bloggospear iz gonna showz upee & we iz gonna haz nuttin'!"
Daddy: "Ummm, Fab Five, is this it? I don't know an herb from a Herb."
Auntie Stinkie: " Bouncie??? Is that you sweetie? Oh please rescue me from these inept creatures! I just wanted to have a quiet Sweet Sixteen, but now Dr Tweety and Maximillian have gone completely nuts.
It is the senior cats that have developed a sense of Godliness. We know things that the youngsters do not. (Like where I stashed the nip!)"